- Patient, after discussion about his genital herpes: “So if I’m not having an outbreak, I don’t have to tell anyone?” Me: “It can still be transmitted, so we would encourage you to talk to your partners about it.” Patient: “Oh, hell no. I’m not telling them anything.” Actual comment: “It would be nice and respectful of you to tell your partners.” TIC: “Dude, you’re an asshole and I wish I could violate HIPPA and warn every woman in this city to stay the hell away from you.”
- Patient, describing how she got so angry she squeezed a glass in her hand, broke it, cut herself on the shards and then sutured her own wound: “So I used a needle and thread to sew it up, but now my finger is numb down to my palm.” Actual comment: “If that ever happens again–and I hope it doesn’t–please go to the ER right away to get stitches. Have you talked to your therapist lately?” TIC: “That’s gross. And crazy.”
- Patient: “I’ve been drinking a lot of water today, because I have a drug test later. I’m trying to get the weed out of my system.” Me: “Do you know that it takes about a month to get marijuana out of your urine?” Patient: “Yeah.” Me: “When was the last time you smoked?” Patient: “Last night.” Me: “Um, okay. You might not test clean, then.” TIC: “You must be high right now if you think you’re going to pass a drug test today!”
Delicious! May 4, 2011
I had a long, entertaining visit with a serious oversharer. I know I’m a medical provider and all, but some people really like to get into unnecessary details. In this case, I was discussing vaginal discharge with a patient who was in the office for std screening. She was having some white discharge which distressed her greatly. She talked at great length about her personal vagina-cleansing regimen, which involves soap, a showerhead, diaper wipes and shaving. “Girl,” she said, “I make sure my pussy smells delicious!” Wow, delicious, eh? Most women are happy with “non-offensive” or “clean.” But delicious really goes that extra mile.
I was thinking about her words later, because I found them funny and incongruous. It’s rare to find a woman who feels that positively about her vaginal odor. Of course, this woman was going to great lengths to remove most of her natural odor, but at least she feels good about her vag, right? Delicious!
Exhaustion sets in May 1, 2011
Wow, I sure am tired. Every time some well-meaning person asks me if the baby is “sleeping through the night” I want to punch them in the face. No, she is not sleeping through the night. If she was, I wouldn’t have a tremor from the amount of caffeine that I have to consume each morning just to keep my eyes half-open. Nor would I be punching you in the face.
BUT…I had a pretty hilarious (in a stressful way) week at work. Highlights include:
- Bipolar patient with anger management issues who told me that his risperidone stabilizes his mood but “makes me want to kill people.” Yikes.
- Alcoholic patient who suffered a HUGE stab wound in the arm and didn’t seek medical care for a week. It’s too late for stitches, so now he just has a huge chunk hacked out of his arm. Ick.
- Decompensated schizophrenic woman who cornered me in the exam room and insisted on telling me in detail about the deep significance of the dollar amount of her food stamps. She also informed me that she is married to the Son of God. Double Yikes.
- A no-show for an urgent visit booked as “Blood pressure was 220/104 at pharmacy.”
- A patient with honest-to-god Stevens Johnson Syndrome (it’s healing now…I wasn’t the one to diagnose it, thank god). Double Ick.