The magical mystery land of community health

I don't make this stuff up!…but I do change identifying information.

It’s not priapism when… September 16, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — lesbonurse @ 2:58 am

Patient, with significant mental health issues: “Oh, I’m also having that problem…down there….you know.”

Me: “Well, I remember you mentioned it last time but you didn’t want to talk about it.  Can you tell me more about it now?”

Patient: “I have erections that last for hours.  Like 3 hours, or more.  It’s terrible.”

Me, beginning to scribble down “priapism” on my notes: “And then what happens? Do they go down on their own after that?”

Patient: “No.  I have to…you know, take care of things myself.  And it hurts!  It’s awful.  But I’m lonely, you know I don’t have a girlfriend.  So I have to do it myself.”

Me, crossing out “priapism”: “So when you ejaculate, the erection goes away?”

Patient: “Yes! But it hurts!”

Me: “Maybe it would hurt less if you didn’t wait so long.”

Patient (who I think has Body Dysmorphic Disorder, among other issues): “I can’t be around women.  I can’t even hire a hooker, because my face is so horribly deformed.  Even a hooker wouldn’t want to look at me.”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. That’s terrible.  But if you ever do decide to hire a hooker, please use a condom every time.  It’s very important.”

Patient: “Eh, I can’t afford a hooker anyway.  My life sucks.”