Doing rectal exam for patient with complaint of bleeding:
Says to Self: Is that the prostate that I’m feeling?
Other self replies: Ummm, nope. That’s the edge of a piece of poo in the rectum.
Self: Ok, time to do the hemocult card then!
(Both selves exit room carrying hemocult card, wash hands and then return to office to wait for results)
Self: I’m so hungry. Time for my afternoon snack!
Other self: NOOOO your fingers were just touching poop!!
Self: I washed my hands! And I was wearing gloves. There’s NO way that poop is on my hands.
Other self: Your finger still feels warm from the patient’s rectum! Don’t touch the snack!
Self: My hands are clean, dammit! I’m hungry and I need to eat this apple.
Other self: Disgusting!
Self: What if I use this clean washcloth from the supply closet to hold the apple? Then I can eat it without touching it.
Other self: Well…ok, I guess. But only because I’m really fucking hungry.
That is how my co-worker came to find me in my office, hurriedly eating an apple wrapped in a washcloth.