The magical mystery land of community health

I don't make this stuff up!…but I do change identifying information.

The things people say August 30, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — lesbonurse @ 5:24 pm

There’s always a few comments each week that make me laugh, even on the bad days.

  • English-as-second-language patient, describing her asthma symptoms: “I have weasels in my chest.  Weasels, when I breathe.  Weasels!”  (wheezes)
  • Me, to older man: “I’m pretty sure that rash on your forehead is herpes zoster, which is also called shingles.  Do you see how it has all those blisters and scabs, in a line?  That’s a sign of shingles.”  Patient: “Mmm, No.  I don’t think so.  I think it’s something else”  Me: “Do you want the medication we just talked about?  The kind that can prevent you from developing a nerve pain after the sores are gone?”  Patient: “Naw.”
  • Me, to post-menopausal patient who was worried about imminent pelvic exam: “I’m going to use a small speculum for your pap smear, ok?”  Patient: “That’s good, honey, because that factory has been closed for a long time!”
  • Schizoaffective patient, informing me that he just fired his therapist for insulting him: “Did you know that ‘knee-jerk’ means ‘asshole’?”  Me: “Actually, I’ve never heard that before.”  Patient: “Yeah, I didn’t know that either, but that’s what she called me and then I found out she was calling me an asshole.”
  • Me: “Do you think you could be pregnant?”  Patient: “If I am, somebody better call the news because it’s going to be a fucking miracle!”
  • And the ever popular sweet-drink overload.  Me: “You drink the sweet teas from McDonalds?  The 32-oz for $1 ones?  How many do you drink a day?”  Patient: “Three”  Me: “That’s 96 oz of sweetened beverage a day.  I think this is contributing to your weight gain.”  Patient, looking crestfallen and disappointed: “Ohhhh.  Really?”
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3 Responses to “The things people say”

  1. “Me: “Do you think you could be pregnant?” Patient: “If I am, somebody better call the news because it’s going to be a fucking miracle!””

    (side eye glances) I think I’ve said that to a fun nurse before (shrugs) LOL

  2. enfermera Says:

    my MA’s often describe upset babies as being “fuzzy”. aside from not wanting to be a grammatical a-hole, i don’t really want to correct them because it brightens my day to think of cute little fuzzy babies.

  3. Sarah Says:

    I have a friend, who, when asked what her birth control method was, told her PCP, “lesbianism.”


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