Another installment of the Totally Inappropriate Comment May 18, 2011

• Patient, after discussion about his genital herpes: “So if I’m not having an outbreak, I don’t have to tell anyone?”  Me: “It can still be transmitted, so we would encourage you to talk to your partners about it.”  Patient: “Oh, hell no.  I’m not telling them anything.”  Actual comment: “It would be nice and respectful of you to tell your partners.”  TIC: “Dude, you’re an asshole and I wish I could violate HIPPA and warn every woman in this city to stay the hell away from you.”
• Patient, describing how she got so angry she squeezed a glass in her hand, broke it, cut herself on the shards and then sutured her own wound: “So I used a needle and thread to sew it up, but now my finger is numb down to my palm.”  Actual comment: “If that ever happens again–and I hope it doesn’t–please go to the ER right away to get stitches.  Have you talked to your therapist lately?”  TIC: “That’s gross.  And crazy.”
• Patient: “I’ve been drinking a lot of water today, because I have a drug test later.  I’m trying to get the weed out of my system.”  Me: “Do you know that it takes about a month to get marijuana out of your urine?” Patient: “Yeah.”  Me: “When was the last time you smoked?”  Patient: “Last night.”  Me: “Um, okay.  You might not test clean, then.”  TIC: “You must be high right now if you think you’re going to pass a drug test today!”