Winner for “Best Muddling of a Brand Name”:
Patient: I need some of those clozenges.
Me: What? Klonopin?
Patient: No, Clozanges.
Me: Clozaril? Clonidine?
Patient: No, CLOZENGES. Those pill things to stop smoking.
Me: OH. You mean the Commit Lozenges that I prescribed you?
Patient: Yeah, those. Clozenges.
Sentences That Best Illustrate How a Sensitive Health Care Provider Gets Jaded:
Me, to NP student, regarding a patient who was beaten by her boyfriend: “Ok, make sure you document the location of all of her bruises in case she presses charges. And document that we counseled her about how domestic violences escalates over time. If he comes back and kills her, we want people to know that we at least tried to address it.”
Student: “Right.”
Me: “Of course, if he kills her that would really suck.”
Student: “Right”
Me: “Ok then. Got to go on to the next patient. Ready?”
Worst mistake that Lesbonurse has ever made:
Doing an outpatient I&D and starting oral antibiotics on a patient with an abscess that turned out to be necrotizing fasciitis.
Worst mistake that Lesbonurse has made this week:
Miscalculating the Framingham Risk Score and starting the patient on a statin that she didn’t need.
Most challenging patient of the day:
Man who is completely unable to read or write, with some kind of mental illness PLUS insulin-dependent diabetes
Best description of laziness, as described by a patient:
“Oh, her? She wakes up just to go back to bed!”
